


Seventeen

by jaredcronchdaddy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bisexuality, Boyfriends, Evan x Jared, Fluff, Gay, Gay Jared Kleinman, Jansen - Freeform, Kleinsen, M/M, dear evan hansen - Freeform, there's kleinphy stuff but its mostly angst so i wont tag it as a relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-05 00:25:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11002104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaredcronchdaddy/pseuds/jaredcronchdaddy
Summary: He would do it with Evan, this boy he loved. That he'd always loved. Seventeen or Sevenhundred it didn't matter. He could feel it in his chest, a drum beating out a rhythm of I love you I love you I love you. He tightened his grip on Evan's hand.content warnings are added before every chapter !!





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw: light sexual references, underage drinking
> 
> edit: sup fucks. m here in late 2018, gonna edit this baby a little. hope you like it.

It was late on a Friday night and Evan was home alone watching Doctor Who re-runs. He felt okay, his constant buzz of anxious thoughts quieted when he was alone, and he could actually think. Evan was thinking about Jared. His best friend, well not exactly, he considered Jared to be his best friend but Jared didn’t like him much. Jared was always telling jokes that made him blush and calling him "just a family friend". Evan figured that was as good as he could get, I mean who could blame Jared for hating him? Evan wasn’t anything special, in fact the only special things about him were embarrassing: a nervous stutter, a few mental illnesses, and the secret. That secret being that Evan liked boys. Honestly he didn't even like to think that in his own head because he knew he would never never never tell anyone. Evan's calm evening turned sour and he started to hyperventilate just thinking about what people would say if they knew.  
Distraction. Distraction, he needed a distraction. 

Jared. 

Jared was a bit of an asshole that was undeniable, but sometimes he would lean against Evan or look into his eyes when no jokes were being told and Evan could tell that some part of Jared cared about him too. Evan started thinking about how much he loved how they way they looked standing next to one another. Himself tall, lanky, pale, with big hazel eyes, and plain hair. Jared a bit shorter, not muscly but solid, brown skin, curly hair, and glasses. And Jared's eyes, Evan could stare at them forever, dark brown like melting chocolate, warm and bright and sometimes cold. It was hard for Evan to understand people's weird emotional intricacies but he didn't mind with Jared, it made him more interesting. Evan thought of himself as plain and Jared as some sort of metaphor he was too tired to come up with. And the way Jared's arms looked when he cuffed his sleeves…..Suddenly Evan's phone lit up and shocked him out of his thoughts, embarrassing Evan for letting his mind drift to Jared's arms of all things, god he needed to get a hold of himself. Evan answered the call immediately knowing the only person it could be, besides his working mother, was his best friend Jared.

“HEY EVAN!” 

Jared's voice boomed out of the speaker surrounded by loud noises and music and Evan could already feel himself getting anxious. He stretched the phone away from his body and spoke in a shaky voice,  


“Y-yes Jared ?”  


“Evan! You okay? ANYWAY I’m at a Alana’s PARTY AND- oh fuCK YEAHH!!! CHUG CHUG CHUG—"  


Evan really really wanted to disappear into his mattress so he wouldn't have to carry on this conversation but the part of him that was worried about Jared is what kept him on the line.  


"Whoops, sorry Ev! That was fucking EPIC!"  


Evan's heart flipped at Jared’s rare use of his nickname, and he tried and failed not to blush.  


“Anyway! I’m at a party and I’ve had like -burp- four screwdrivers and I’m sooooo drunk”  


Evan knew Jared was careful when he went out but it always worried him because truthfully, he cared about Jared’s safety more than anyone else’s, even his own. Evan got the courage to speak despite the panic that was filling his chest and stuttered out,  


“Jared do you want me t-to come p-pick you up?”  


“YES EV YOUR'E THE BEST! You should come get me, I’m soooooo drunk. I have my keys but I don’t think I should drive, Ev I'm SO happy I love ALCOHOL being sober is for BITCHES, sorry you're not a bitch Ev I know you can't drink. ANYWAY come drive me home pleeeease”  


“Okay, I’ll r-ride my bike to Alana’s”  


“OKAY EV ILL SEE YOU SOON, HEY MAYBE YOU CAN COME INSIDE!!”  


Evan threw his phone across the bed, counting on Jared to end the call so that he could focus on catching his breath. Evan was definitely not going inside that party. He was already drained from that simple interaction, partly because of the noise, partly because he was jealous Jared wasn’t with him, and partly because he was so frazzled by the frequent use of his nickname. After he'd caught his breath, he said the nickname out loud to himself “Ev” and felt his cheeks grow hot again.

Evan snapped out of his embarrassing thoughts and heard his phone begin to crackle, Evan sighed, of course Jared expected him to hang up. As he stretched to grab his phone Jared's voice sprung out at him once again,  


“HEYyyyyy EVRYOnE I’m GaAYyYYYyyyyy I LoOvE BoYSSssss mmm A CUTE BOY IS COMING TO PICK ME UUUP eVaN HanSEN IS SOOOO CUTE EVERY TIME I LOOk aT hiM I geT sooooo HapPY wow wow I LOooove VODKA!"  


A voice from the background yelled at Jared to shut up and Evan felt completely incapable of moving to shut the call off.  


"OH I'm sorry! Did you think sober Jared was dramatic? well drUNK Jared caRES NOT FOR YOUR SILLY OPINIONS PIP PIP CHEERIO. IM SOOO GAY you know what?!? EVAn HanSeN maKeS me FeEL likE voDka does CepT withoUt tHe vodkaa I looooove himand whEn he BlusHeS FUCK mE Maaaan I bet he'D LoooK so hot duRing SEX I WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH EVAN HANSENAnd I bet his dicK-”

Evan quickly ended the call afraid to hear what Jared would say next. His face was as red as tomato and the shock began to make him feel nauseous. Had Jared really just said he loved him? He knew the gay part but- Jared said he wanted to.. kiss him? And oh god he was going to say something about his, about his… Evan had to push the thought away because he only began to blush harder. And Jesus what was with his awful British accent.  
Evan was taken aback, he’d always had a little crush on Jared but he chalked it up to Jared being the one human besides his mother that he spoke to. But if Jared liked him? Oh god Evan could feel a fluttering in his stomach that he’d never felt before and he was nervous and excited at the same time. And oh god he was panicking, but in a good way maybe? Jared Kleinman liked him. Jared Kleinman thought HE was the beautiful one. Jared Kleinman thought about Evan and having sex with him. Evan eventually broke himself from his trance and remembered his initial task, to get Jared home safely. (Jared who was in LOVE with him?!!) So he threw on some sweatpants and checked himself in the mirror, despite his normal habit of avoiding all reflective surfaces, something made him want to look good. The check was pointless, his hair was still plain and his chest almost stuck out in the middle he was so scrawny. Evan knew he couldn’t afford to get wrapped up in his self hate so he ran to the garage strapped on his helmet and started to bike towards Alana’s place. When he arrived he was shocked at how trashed the home looked. Cups were strewn across the lawn and he was pretty sure there was a couple kissing in the bushes. Come on, bushes really? Kissing Jared in the bushes hmmm.... Nope NO Evan kept moving. That’s when his eyes landed on a peaceful looking Jared, eyes closed and sitting on the porch swing hugging himself.

Evan choked out, “Jared ?”  


“OH Evan! Hey man thanks so much fr ya know- um driving me- uh”  


“No problem, k-k-keys?”  


“Yeah right here-”  


As Jared stood up to retrieve the keys from his pocket he began to sway, like he was going to fall down, so Evan grabbed him around the waist and placed Jared’s arm over his shoulder.  


“Mm-thanks Evan.”  


The two boys staggered to Jared's hand me down Jeep SUV, that Jared swore was hot shit but Evan only thought was bad for the environment. On the walk Evan realized what was happening. He was holding the waist of a sleepy drunk Jared who hadn’t said one awful thing to him for hours. Evan started blushing and fidgeting and trying not to hold his waist wrong. Evan's thoughts started to overwhelm him, Can Jared feel how sweaty my hands are? Oh god are my fingers twitching? They are. They're twitching. Am I holding too tight? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." but thankfully Jared was too drunk to notice any of it. After packing his bike in the back and wrestling a seat belt on to a complaining Jared, Evan began to drive them back to his home, knowing Jared’s parents would not approve of their son’s current state. Evan glanced over at Jared and he looked like something out of a movie. Red traffic lights shone on his face, soft brown curls were up against the window that was steamy from his breath, closed eyes and arms reached out to hold on to the door handle. God Jared's arms. They were one of Evan's favorite parts, the way his muscle showed and how tan his skin was. Evan started getting a breathless feeling in his chest and remembered to focus on the road and not the extremely hot boy next to him.

In a lucid moment Jared sleepily slurred, "Hey Evan can can I sleep at yourss?"  


“Yeah that was my plan.”  


Evans stutter calmed down now that he knew Jared was safe and the world was quiet.  


"M’ so tired"  


"We’re almost- there and then you can sleep"  


"M'kay."  


Evan pulled into the driveway and unloaded his bike before attending to the more daunting task: unloading Jared. Although Evan was taller than Jared, he was also weaker, so when the door opened and his best friend, drunk and half asleep, placed half of his weight on Evan, it was a struggle to find their way upstairs to Evan's room.

With a less than graceful maneuver Evan pushed Jared onto his bed, but in his state Jared had forgotten to let go on his descent, and Evan was pulled down with him.  
"Jared you h-have to let go, I'll be just on the f-f-floor"  
Jared contested this with a "Hmph" and turned so his back was pressing into Evan.  
Evan didn't know what to do, he was so embarrassed, Jared was spooning him and he actually wanted Evan there. Remembering all the things he overheard Jared say, Evan blushed and moved himself into a more comfortable position, still hesitant to get too close to Jared. In the end Jared made the decision for him by reaching back and wrapping Evan's arm around himself and pressing into the contours of Evan's rigid body. Soon they both drifted off, finding it considerably easier to sleep with someone else holding on to them.

Evan woke with a start. The night's events came rushing back to him and he glanced down to see Jared fast asleep and drooling on his chest. God Jared was so cute, and so warm. Evan basked in the serenity of the moment before his teeth really started to bother him. Not that they hurt, it was just that Evan liked clean things. He liked clean things and he could feel the germs coating his mouth and coating his teeth and Jared would never want to kiss him and there was drool on his chest. Evan eased himself out from under Jared before he could get too overwhelmed and went to the bathroom to shower and brush his teeth. He probably brushed them too many times, but he needed the feeling of the germs gone so he just kept brushing. Jared broke into his hyperfixation with a casual,  


"Hey."  


"O-oh hey! G-good morning" Evan wondered if Jared had heard him brushing his teeth, and for how long. Would Jared bring up what happened? Oh god would Jared kiss him?  


"HAH your voice squeaked, anyway thanks for letting me take your bed last night I was tooootally hammered which, speaking of, my head fucking hurts. Ugh where's Trisha?"  


"Wh-who's Trisha?"  


"My car, dumbass. The beautiful amazing Trisha that I so kindly drive you around in? The love of my life? The most sexy woman you'll ever meet? Where's she at?"  


"Downstairs. Um keys are next to the door, d-do you remember what happened last night?  


"Not really dude, but thanks. I'm gonna go make some sweet love with my baby Trisha now." Evan really didn't think Jared's suggestive hip thrusts were necessary.  


Jared turned and began walking down the stairs and Evan was crushed, but not shocked really, of course Jared didn't remember. Or maybe he just didn't want to? God of course Jared didn't mean it. He hated Evan and it was a joke. Maybe too elaborate to be a joke? Whatever the case, all of the scenarios Evan had imagined were replaced with a final call from Jared as he walked out of the door,  


"SEE YOU LATER ASSWIPE!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of mental illness

“How was your weekend Evan?”

 

His voice wouldn’t work. Evan felt his eyes well up and the awful warmth of despair spread across his chest. He couldn’t cry in front of all his classmates, so he ran, held his breath and ran to the bathroom. Evan didn’t let himself breathe in until he had sheltered himself inside the handicapped stall and slammed the lock shut. The day had just begun and he was already loosing it, he wished for once that he could just be normal. His thoughts started to spiral, today was a bad day. God, no wonder he had no friends. Ugly awful can’t hold a conversation Evan. He was already crying and first period hadn’t even started. The day had just started, fuck. Fuck. 

The response he wasn't able to give was that his weekend had been awful, from what he could remember anyway. Jared had given him the most hope he’d had in so long and then it all disappeared. The possibility of happiness was finally within his reach. He just wasn't brave enough. Not strong enough to be happy so he cried for hours, cried until he was nauseous and his eyes burned. Then Evan slept because if you sleep you aren’t really there and god Evan was so tired of being here. That frightened him to think, but it was true. Evan didn't like to admit that what he was really thinking was, "I want to die", something about "I'm tired of being here" made it easier to ignore the problem. When he wasn’t asleep Evan tried to eat so his mother wouldn’t worry. His chest felt full of cold scraping glass and his eyes felt separate from his body. They were like two soupy alien masses and no matter how hard he rubbed them his eyes wouldn't pop back into him. He felt crazy. And now here he was, lying down on the disgusting floor of the boy’s bathroom. He didn’t feel like sleeping or like crying so he just laid there, waiting and making shapes in the hexagon tiles. Evan hated himself when he had this sort of episode. Normally lying on a restroom floor would’ve led to compulsions and anxiety but Evan didn’t feel anything. He felt nothing but the empty rotting feeling in his chest and his sad cloudy eyes. He sat through bell after bell and must have dozed off because when he finally checked his phone it was 4 pm. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Evan thought, he’d missed the whole school day. That wasn’t normal. 

He stood up shakily and left the restroom. He’d missed the bus but he could walk home easily enough, so that’s what he did. Focusing on his steps calmed him. Evan made sure to step silently and to put two footsteps in each section of the sidewalk. Evan watched his feet and not the cars and not the people because he didn’t want to meet eyes with anyone. This was nice. Evan lost himself in the quiet world of steps. 

“Hansen what the fuck?!”

Evan looked up to see a flustered Jared straining against his seat belt towards the passenger side window. His stomach filled with dread.. he couldn't let Jared see him like this. Evan was breaking down and god he really couldn’t handle this. He loved Jared and Jared hated his guts, he fell further into the black pit growing inside his stomach and he thought, “I wish I could disappear.”

“Evan you do know its raining right?”

He hadn’t noticed. After trying and failing to speak he just shook his head to indicate to Jared that he didn’t realize there was water splashing down all around him.

“Fuck. Get in the car, I swear sometimes you have no sense. You’re going to get fucking cholera or some shit.”

Evan didn’t have the energy to explain that he was fine and that he would just walk home, so he counted his steps to the car and climbed inside. He finally noticed how badly he was shaking and became mortified. Jared had come across him staring at his feet, shaking, and walking alone in the rain. His thoughts started to get the better of him, "Of course, Jared doesn’t love me I’m a fucking freak. He probably thinks I’m crazy. I think I might be crazy. I want to disappear. I just want this to go away. I don’t want to be here, fuck I really need to get out of here.”

“Hey Ev? You don’t have to talk, but hand me your phone so I can tell Heidi you’re spending the night at my house.”

Evan didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything, so he handed over the phone and stared down at the wrinkles in his khakis. Jared sent the message, put the car in drive, and headed towards his house, which was conveniently located two neighborhoods over from Evan’s. Evan looked out the window and watched the rain blur their small town into ugly smudges and wished he could just stop existing. Soon, Jared slowed the car and pulled into his drive way, abruptly turning the car off. Without the hum of the engine it was so quiet. Evan started to feel like he was floating away, stimulus was the only thing keeping him here. Evan started to press his nails into his thighs, the pain helped ground him. After a little while Jared looked over to him and spoke in a quiet voice,

“I’ll get your backpack Ev, you just gotta walk. Here’s the game plan: You walk to the bathroom, I’ll throw our shit in my room and get you a change of clothes, I’ll bring you the clothes, You change and go to my room while I get us something to eat and drink. All I need is a nod so I know the plan is good to go.”

Evan nodded, and Jared reached over and grabbed his backpack, hurrying into the house ahead of him. Evan couldn’t help but find Jared’s kindness endearing. It felt nice to know that someone cared about him enough to take care of him. Jared had even bothered to make a plan, knowing how much it helped to calm Evan’s anxiety. The situation was bittersweet, Jared cared about him, but not in the same way and god did that hurt. He felt his brain start to drift away again so he pushed away emotions and focused on staying grounded. He used a strategy that often came in handy when he got like this, counting his movements. As Evan made his way inside the house he gave each action a number. Reach for the handle, 1. Pull the handle, 2. Push open door, 3. Touch buckle, 4. Unbuckle, 5. One foot on the ground, 6. Other foot, 7. Stand up, 8. Shut the door, 9. Turn around, 10. 

It took Evan 67 steps in total to get inside, go to the bathroom, and change clothes. Once he finished dressing Evan acknowledged himself in the mirror. Jared had given him red plaid pajama bottoms that Evan had to roll the tops of to fit his skinny waist. For a top he'd received the shirt Jared had for being a part of the school robotics team. Evan turned around to see the back of the shirt, noticing that it said in tiny print, “the insanely cool Jared Kleinman”. Evan sighed internally and smiled at Jared’s unwavering dedication to being himself. Only Jared would’ve paid extra to have something like that printed on his T-shirt. Evan left the bathroom, tugging the long sleeves of the t-shirt down to his hands, and made his way to Jared’s room where he sat on the edge of the bed, waiting. Jared’s room was a bit messy and there were bottles of strawberry Fanta strewn around with varying amounts of soda left inside of them. Jared’s fancy gaming computer was on and Evan could see that his backdrop was a picture Jared had edited of the two of them, pasting pepe heads over their bodies. It felt nice that Jared thought he was important enough to be his screensaver, well there was a cartoon frog on his face but you take what you can get. He could hear Jared rumbling around in the kitchen, slamming drawers and muttering ridiculous strings of curse words that Evan would’ve normally had trouble not laughing at. After a while Jared swung his bedroom door open holding a tray covered with a plethora of food, and he addressed Evan with his horrific British accent,

“Ello Master Evan, tis I your umble’ servant Jared. I bring your favorite treats: kettle corn, crackers, cosmic brownies, coffee, yeseriee lots a cream lots a sugar, and a big ol’ glass of water. Regretfully we ave’ run out of the good cheese but I have brought the spray cheese Master Evan.”

Evan gave a feeble grin and choked out the first words he had spoken that day, “Th-tha-thank you”

Jared blew it off like nothing as he made his way across the room, “Hey what else are Jareds for? Scoot over and lay down and I’ll put something on the TV.” Jared turned back to look at Evan, “Is Steven Universe okay?”

Evan nodded and smiled, Jared would normally call Steven Universe “gay and lame” but now he was offering to watch it with him. Sometimes he could be really wonderful. Jared resumed the last episode that had been watched, and settled the snack tray between Evan and himself before getting comfortable.

“Hey Ev, I um. Fuck. Okay you know I’m not good with words, but I just wanted to say that if you’re ever feeling, like uh..... this” Jared seemed pretty uncomfortable and took a pause before he said, “You can always come over, or I can come to you and I’ll watch your dumb cartoons and help, ya’know? In whatever way I can.. and fuck okay I’m gonna close my eyes and say this quickly because if I don’t I’ll chicken out, okay? Ireallycareaboutyouandilikebeingyourfriendandiknowitalkalotofshitbutifyoueverneedmeicanbeseriousipromiseiwanttohelp.”

Evan couldn’t help himself and he started to cry. The tears were halfway happy and halfway sad. Jared cared. He was a wreck and a total fuck up, but he was a wrecked fuck up that Jared Kleinman cared about.

“Oh fuck. Fuck. Shit. I’m sorry Evan fuck what did I do? I’m sorry did I? did I say something wrong?”  
Evan smiled as tears streamed down his face and said, “N-no. Y-y-you’re b-being so k-kind. Thank y-you."

Talking about his feelings made him cry harder, and he felt bad for making Jared uncomfortable but he couldn’t help it. Evan covered up his eyes so that he wouldn’t have to see Jared watching him come undone. As he continued crying he felt the pressure on the mattress shift a couple of times, Evan wanted to know what was happening but he was too ashamed to open his eyes. Evan felt warmth and then a strong pressure as Jared slid his legs into his lap and wrapped his arms tightly around Evan's torso. The affection was too much, Evan didn't deserve it so he apologized,

“I- I'm s-s-s-orry”

“Don’t be. I’m glad to be here for you.”

That was all the affirmation Evan needed, so he uncovered his eyes and wrapped his arms around Jared, overwhelmingly happy to know that someone actually cared.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: implied mental illness, mentions of self harm (pinching, punching), suicidal ideation

Jared opened his eyes and he was happy. Sun was streaming through his thin black curtains and onto his face. The world was calm and he was in a well rested mood. Those rare occasions where you wake up completely alive and ready for whatever the day might bring. Jared basked in the sensation for a moment, it was rare for him to feel good. Most mornings he woke up and wished he hadn't. Lying to his left was his best friend Evan, he was curled up in the blue comforter he had hogged all night. Jared was glad to see he was getting rest because his actions the night before were worrying. The last thing he had expected to see on the way home was Evan walking alone in the rain. He ran over the events that followed in his mind, he'd probably freaked Evan out with all his sappy shit, and god what was with the British accent? Jared cursed himself for the way he acted under pressure, diffusing his nerves with jokes, accents, and curse words. But Evan had hugged him back. That was something.  


Jared sighed, flopped onto his back, and began staring at his popcorn ceiling, just thinking. Evan must have been going through so much. Sometimes, Jared thought he could understand what Evan was feeling, he never hyperventilated or anything, but he spent so many late nights too angry to sleep. He often fantasized about all the different ways he could run away or die. Jared had this constant hot sort of sadness, sometimes it felt like he might overflow. He didn't tell anyone though, not ever. He cared too much about what other people thought of him, that was the truth. No matter how confident, funny, or charismatic he seemed Jared was just and insecure kid looking for acceptance. And yeah, he was tired of acting, of playing the character of 'Jared Kleinman Lovable Asshole'. But he was too scared to stop, or maybe in too deep. He used his humor to get attention, positive or negative it didn't matter. But the attention was never enough, no matter how many laughs or sneers he still didn't feel fulfilled and he couldn't figure out why. He pretended and tore apart the person he was every day and it still wasn't enough to make him happy. Jared is smart, he knows that its because he isn't "being himself" but, Jesus Christ being yourself isn't as easy as it sounds. Magazines and 90's teen movies had always fed kids bullshit like "fake it til’ you make it". Jared had been faking confidence for so long, but he only hated himself more and more. Jared hated himself so much that it scared him, so he hid behind false bravado and clever quips. It hurt him so badly to think that Evan probably felt like this too. What Jared had seen the day before had never happened to him. It made him angry to think that his favorite person was in more pain than he was. More pain than him, suicidal Jared. He knew what Evan would've said to him, something about experience being relative and each person’s struggles too different to be compared or minimized. Jared couldn't even imagine worse than what he was feeling. A stinging guilt started to build up in his chest and it got heavier and heavier as he thought.

What if he was the one who had made Evan so sad?

The last time he saw Evan before the walking home incident was on Saturday. Evan picked had Jared up from a party where he'd gotten way too drunk (not that Jared remembered anything after the first few drinks, but he pretty much figured it out when he woke up in Evan's bed). Jared couldn't believe he'd been so irresponsible, he shouldn't have been drinking given his history of blacking out, but fuck he was so tired of being sad. He just wanted to feel something besides despair, so he drank and drank until he wasn't himself anymore. What if Jared had said something to Evan when he was blacked out that upset him? Oh, Jesus Christ. He thought Evan had been doing better and then this breakdown, something must've happened. He must've said some asshole comment to Evan when he was drunk, he wouldn't put it past himself, sometimes he went too far with the persona he created. He would say such awful things, find someone's deepest insecurity and turn it against them for laughs. He told himself it was all just an act, but when his stomach inflated with glee after delivering a scathing insult he wasn't so sure. That scared him. Maybe he really was an arrogant asshole, maybe he was just lying to himself so he wouldn't have to feel so bad about it. Sometimes he said things to Evan that were so terrible, but it was like they slipped out before he could control himself. He was just a well-trained puppet with a reflex personality. Whenever he said particularly awful things to Evan he would go home and beat himself up. Both literally and mentally. Jared would cry and pinch himself until he left bruises, or punch himself in the stomach until the air was knocked out of his lungs. He hated that he couldn't control this mean awful person he had created. He would never forgive himself for all the times he'd hurt Evan. But he could never say sorry. Vulnerability was almost as frightening as the person he'd become. He addressed whatever omnipotent entity was listening and prayed that he hadn't said something awful on Friday. But he couldn't shake the feeling that he had done something bad. 

Sometime during his session of introspection Jared had started to cry, so he wiped his face off on his t-shirt and tried to pull himself together. The morning had begun on such a positive note and he mentally scolded himself for ruining it. Jared reached over to his bedside table and grabbed Evan's phone, unplugging it and plugging in his own phone to charge. The screen of the Evan's phone lit up and showed two texts from "Mom".

Received at 5:13 PM  
Okay. Thank you for letting me know Jared, tell Evan to call me when he wakes up. You two be safe.

Received at 2:00 AM  
Just got home, I'll definitely be asleep when you wake up, Can you ride to school with Jared? I'll text you when I wake up. Love you so much sweetie, be safe.

His own phone lit up and, because it had been dead since the afternoon before, was flooded with notifications. He had received a few texts from “Heidi”.

Received at 5:10 PM  
Thank you for picking up Evan honey, can you tell me how bad he's doing 1-10? I can cancel my shift if he really needs me.

Received at 5:37 PM  
Waited as long as I could, can't leave early now. I trust he'll be okay with you, please contact me when you can. I talked with your mom and thanked her for letting him stay over, thanks for looking out for him.

Received at 2:09 AM  
Just about to go to sleep, make sure you and Evan swing by the house to get his medications before school. Thank you so much again we're lucky Evan has such a good friend.

Jared smiled, it was nice to know that Heidi trusted and appreciated him, he'd always thought she was one of the better adults he knew. He quickly typed a text back and sent it.

i saw him walking in the rain when i was driving home, he couldn't talk when i engaged him and he hadn't realized it was raining so I figured it was best if he wasn't alone. probably a 7 out of 10 on the badness scale? we'll drop by and get meds no prob  
Sent at 6:28 AM

As he set down his phone, another wave of sadness fell over Jared. Sometimes thoughts just jumped out and struck him, this time it was: "Nobody will ever love me." He knew it was true but it still hurt. Some selfish part of him foolishly believed that he deserved love. His optimism just led to constant disappointment and it was getting fucking unbearable. He was afraid to let people get too close and see the real him. Jared cultivated himself like a brand, giving small pieces to each person, enough to make them stay, not enough to make them leave. For someone who had never been abandoned he was fucking terrified of it. The greatest trouble with all the pretending is that somewhere along the line "Jared Kleinman" had been lost. Too far gone, he kept carefully portioned secrets and carefully portioned relationships. He didn't "build up walls" he remade himself for each person, deep down he knew that if anyone ever saw all of who he was, they would hate him. It was Jared Kleinman's greatest fear that nobody would ever love him. So, he took away the opportunity for love and kept everyone at arm’s length. If you never get close enough to anyone, then nobody could ever decide not to love you. He wanted more than anything for someone to notice, to give a shit, to try unbelievably hard so he didn't have a choice but to be loved. He was too much of a coward to love. Jared was tired. He was so tired of the person he had become. Whenever he came close to love, he destroyed the relationship before it could break him. There had been three people over his 17 years that got too close, so he broke his own heart before they could. Isolated himself, pretended to hate them, anything to keep himself safe. Time and time again he would break his own heart and get upset with them for not trying harder to keep him. He was so angry at the world for not being about him. He was so angry that nobody ever really cared about him, but it was his fault. You can't care for somebody you don't know. Jared's soul ached, he was drowning but he'd been the one to tie the weights around his ankles. Nobody was ever going to love him. He would never let somebody love him. So what was the point?

Jared felt Evan stirring next to him and quickly wiped at his eyes, prompted by the tap on his shoulder he turned over to face Evan. Evan looked out of place, in a good way. His face was bright and his eyes were puffy, he stood out against the drab background of Jared's bedroom like the first bloom in spring. As if to say, "there is life here now". Evan was one of the few good things in his life. Jared whispered quietly to him,

"Good Morning"  


"Good M-orning"  


"How are you feeling, Ev?"  


"I'm okay. What time is it?"  


"It's like 6:45. I know we should go to school and be model students n’ shit, but what if we just skip today? I'm sure you're tired and I know I could use a break."

There was a long pause as Evan thought it over and tried to get his words together.

"Ummm yeah, sure, okay"

Jared felt his face light up with a grin, and he pushed away his earlier sadness. He and Evan were going to have a nice day and he wasn't going to let his thoughts interfere. He jumped into a standing position and smushed his glasses onto his face before telling Evan,

"I'm gonna go to your house and grab your meds, are they in the kitchen?"

Evan nodded and gave Jared a thumbs up before reaching over to the bedside table for the remote and turning on the TV. Jared was satisfied with the plan so he put on his yoda slippers (which Evan said were creepy) and headed out the front door. Jared made the drive between their homes quickly, and was soon stood on the Hansen's doorstep. He moved towards one of the potted plants that framed the door way and found Jabba. Evan had hidden a Jabba the Hut action figure, with a key taped to the underside, inside the plant for Jared to use in situations like this (or for himself when forgot his keys). Jared unlocked the door and quietly retrieved Evan's medicine with stealth that was frankly, fucking impressive. Jabba's key was returned and the journey back to his own home was easy. Once inside his house Jared grabbed two mugs from the kitchen and filled them with orange juice. For himself Jared had chosen a Hello Kitty mug, and for Evan the mug he had made in second grade as a Father's Day gift that read "beSt daDDy". Juice and pill bottles in tow Jared entered his room and met eyes with Evan, who seemed sleepy. 

"Here you go, medicine and juice"  
"...Jared what d-does my mug say?"

Jared blushed and began to regret his choice as he choked out,  
"Uh um, best daddy"  
"Ohmygod"

Evan laughed and Jared felt his chest fill with warmth for this boy. The feeling scared him but he decided to ignore its greater implications and jumped into bed. He took back some of the comforter and settled in, feeling warm and happy.

"Your slippers are dumb."

Jared pretended to be offended, though he secretly loved when Evan was "mean" to him.

"WOW what a fuckin asshole, can you believe this guy?”

Evan scoffed and smiled at Jared, his chest filled with warmth again. Oh no, he was really going to have to address this feeling soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm is this entire chapter me projecting my experiences onto Jared? haha no way. hope you liked hearing some of the story from Jared's perspective.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: suicidal thoughts (not v extreme)

Note April 17, 2017, 11:17 AM

I'm at Jared's house and I've never seen the movie alien but I know that there's a part where an alien bursts out of a dude's chest. That's how my anxiety feels, like there's a writhing foreign body inside my chest. I just want it gone. Jared and I are skipping school today, he's asleep right now that's why I am writing. I don't have my journal. Yesterday was bad. Today feels bad but maybe a little less bad? I wish the alien in my chest would give it a rest. Jared looks peaceful, it's nice to see him calm. He's so pretty it actually hurts. God I'm such a fucking loser. I'm sitting here staring at Jared and panicking but I can't really tell why. My body isn't good at telling the difference between excitement adrenaline and fear adrenaline smh. I don't want to sound like an asshole, self, but I like how chubby? Jared is. I don't know it's not chubby he's like a muscly chubby. I just want to kiss his forehead and play with his hair and I want him to fill up all my emptiness. That sounded sexual oh my god. I don't know how to explain it but it's like my whole body is empty, I just want someone to cuddle me until I feel real again. But also I don't like being touched? I don't know what's wrong with me. I wouldn't mind Jared touching me, I want to wrap my arms and legs around him and squeeze until I feel real. I sound really weird. It's not like creepy or sexual I just want someone to touch me. That sounds weird and I don't know how to make it not sound weird. I'm sad, I know what else is new?? I just don't know how to deal with the person I love not loving me back. And it won't go away, I can't make the feeling disappear because I can't stop being near Jared. Honestly without Jared and Mom I wouldn't be alive right now. I resent them in a way, for keeping me here. I just want to go but I can't, I'm the astronaut and they're tethers keeping me attached to the space station. The problem is that I don't have a helmet. I'm suffocating. I'm afraid of the day when the pain becomes too unbearable to power through for them. I feel like it would be easier to stay here and be alive if Jared loved me. If he loved me I could be okay. Okay, fine I don't totally believe that. I know being in love won't make me better but fuck if it wouldn't make it easier. I just wish he loved me but he never will and I don't know how to accept that. I feel like one of my tethers is fraying. My metaphors don't make sense and I'm getting more and more anxious as I type. I need to stop talking about how Jared doesn't love me because if I start crying I will wake him up. I feel like a big selfish burden on mom and Jared. I wish I could just be normal. I'm so tired. I don't want to let myself sleep. I don't want to be alive and I don't want to be asleep God Evan make up your mind. I was going to write about yesterday but the alien is distracting me too much. So no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I didn't really know how to the continue the story so I thought I'd buy myself a little time with a journal entry made in Evan's notes. Hope you liked hearing some of the story in a new way :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: n/a

Note April 17, 2017 2:01 PM 

I don't feel real. I don't feel real. I don't feel real. I don't feel real. I don't feel real.  
I think its wrong of me to love Jared. Sometimes he's great but sometimes he treats me like shit. I'm so desperate for people to care about me that I let them walk all over me. I think my dad has severely fucked me up. I have spent my whole life loving him, someone who can be funny and kind or angry and hurtful and I think it's messed me up. It's like I think it's normal for me to be treated badly by the people I love. I shouldn't love Jared. But honestly I don't think I deserve anything more than him. I deserve to be treated like the fuck up I am. I just wish I could believe that wholeheartedly, some part of me still wishes for this sort of love that I am never going to get. Whats worse is that even after I've let Jared treat me badly for years and years I'm still not enough for him. He still doesn't love me. He's never going to love me. He's never going to love me in a healthy way. I'm just like some little toy he keeps around to poke fun at. I give Jared the attention he wants so badly and then he gets tired of me. I don't know why I ever expected anything more. I shouldn't love him but I do and I can't take it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another note! I figured out how I'm gonna move the story along from here and I am exciTE! I'll probably be posting chapter 6 later today/tomorrow


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw: underage drinking ,,, im lazy and tired of editing so I will come back and check for typos later

When Jared returned from the bathroom Evan was gone. He looked around the room to find both Evan's phone and backpack missing, an uneasiness washed over him. Jared called out Evan's name, only to be interrupted by the slamming of his front door. Slamming doors wasn’t like Evan. Shit. Jared bounded down the stairs and out onto the lawn. Evan was nowhere to be seen. Panicked, Jared began to shout his name,

“Evan! Evan! Where are you?”

At the end of his street he turned right to see Evan sprinting down the sidewalk.

“Evan! Where are you going? Evan what the fuck! Evan come back!”

Jared began to run after Evan but he was much slower, so he was a considerable distance behind. The chase went on for around 3 minutes, with Jared intermittently yelling for Evan to stop. Finally, he did. Evan halted suddenly and turned on his heels, about a block ahead of Jared, and yelled louder than Jared had ever heard him speak,

“JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE JARED”

Jared stopped running immediately. Evan’s words hit him like a punch in the gut. He had never yelled at him like that before. Evan took off running and Jared slumped to the ground, defeated and winded. After catching his breath for a moment Jared began to cry. The few tears he shed quickly became small streams flowing down his cheeks. Evan hated him. Jared must have really fucked up on Friday. What could he have said that was this bad? Jared couldn’t stand himself. He was a piece of shit and he’d driven away the only person he still had. He’d done it again. Ruined another relationship because he was a self-absorbed coward. Evan hated him. The only person he cared about hated him. He became angrier with himself as he asked question after question. Why couldn’t he be normal? Why couldn’t Evan see through all his acting? Why didn’t Evan care about him enough to realize how fucked up he was? Why did he expect people to care about him when all he did was push them away? It was irrational for Jared to blame his hurt on anyone but himself but he didn’t care. Fuck Evan for leaving. Fuck the world for not giving him the things he’s always wanted. Jared’s tears stopped and he laughed, he must’ve looked so pathetic, he was so angry that he laughed and laughed. His life was a fucking joke. All his problems were fucking hilarious. He was a narcissistic asshole who managed to push the last person away and it was so funny, because what else did he expect? There was a feeling of finality in the air, and it fueled him. If this was rock bottom Jared didn’t mind it. He let all his pain and sadness become anger and it felt fantastic to not give a shit. He didn’t care about himself, or Evan, or anyone or anything. The last good thing was gone, and now he was free to fuck up however he wanted. He didn't have anyone to be okay for. An impulse surged to the front of his mind, and he decided to indulge himself, capitalizing on his extreme disregard for personal health. Jared made his way back home with purpose, excited to experience life without his worries. He was too far gone, too fucked up, so why not have a little fun along the way?  
Jared sped up to his room and grabbed his phone, keys, a half empty bottle of vodka, and a liter of strawberry Fanta. He shoved on a pair of sneakers as he rushed out the door and into his car, pulling up a contact on his phone. Connor Murphy. He pressed call.

“What the fuck do you want Kleinman?”

Jared could hear the scowl in Connor’s voice and he couldn’t help but laugh, why was he doing this again? Jesus Christ his life was so fucked up it was hilarious.

“Yo! You wanna get fucked up with me and Trisha?”

There was a pause, presumably while Connor considered the offer.

“It’s like 3 PM Jared.”

“I know. I don’t want to be sober right now.”

“Will you be providing the booze?”

“Yep.”

“Fine. Come pick me up I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.”

Connor ended the call. Jared felt a bit of guilt edging into his consciousness, he pushed it aside and focused on driving, he wouldn’t let his tendency to worry ruin this. It had been a long time since Jared and Connor had….. hung out. Jared was definitely going to hate himself for what he was about to do, but he didn’t care. All he wanted to do was get fucked up. Jared parked behind the Murphy’s giant house (which Connor always insisted was not a mansion) and watched as Connor made his way to the car and folded himself into the passenger seat. He was wearing black skinny jeans, a grey hoodie, and black high-tops. His hair was in a bun and Jared couldn’t help but notice how tired he looked. Connor was clearly unhealthy, but in a hot way, of course. Jared felt bad that he only thought Connor was hot and that he didn’t care more about how much he’d slept. He reminded himself that he didn’t give a fuck then cursed himself for being so self-aware, if he had to remind himself to not give a fuck he probably gave a fuck. He really needed some vodka to shut up his inner voice. Jared realized he had been staring at Connor and quickly shifted his attention. Connor, having already noticed his stare, defensively quipped,

“What???”

Jared shook his head,

“Weird morning, sorry. Will you mix?”

Connor gave an affirmative nod and reached for the Fanta and vodka as Jared began to drive. Connor rolled down the window and poured out some of the Fanta before tipping the vodka into the soda bottle.

“It’s lukewarm ew.”

“Shit. I was in a hurry, sorry.”

Apparently, Connor didn’t care too much because he took a big swig of the drink before turning on the radio and looking out the passenger side window. Jared always thought it was weird how Connor sat cross-legged in the car. He remembered the first time he’d asked Connor about it. They were both drunk and it was late, Jared had leaned over to Connor and loudly whispered, “Why do you sit so fucking weird? your legs are too long for that”. Connor had actually laughed, “Because it’s comfortable dumbass.” And then Connor kissed him. That was the first time Jared had ever kissed a guy. After that night, he and Connor would get together, get drunk, and mess around. They never talked at school and Jared never told Evan. Every time they hung out Jared felt like he was betraying Evan, and it made him hate himself. For some reason he felt like it would hurt Evan’s feelings if he was doing …..stuff with another person, so it had been a long time since their last “hangout”. Jared's feelings confused the hell out of him, but he guessed he felt bad for being close to anyone besides Evan, because they were each other's only friends, but that probably didn't explain it completely. Today Jared desperately needed someone close, and Evan hated him, so he called the only person he could. If Jared was honest to himself it sort of hurt that Connor didn’t give a shit about him unless he was drunk, but he had vodka so it didn’t really matter. He had vodka and he didn't give a fuck about anything, remember? It didn't matter. That's what Jared had to keep telling himself.

He made the last turn and reminded himself to let loose. Jared parked the car and immediately reached for the Fanta bottle. They were at a campsite just outside of their small town, a place that they had taken a liking to because its secluded location fit their needs perfectly. Connor evaded Jared’s attempt at taking the bottle and moved it out of his reach,

“First, tell me why you called me for the first time in months.”

Jared sighed,

“Maybe I just wanted to get fucked, maybe I'm just an idiot- does it really matter? Hand over the booze.”

Connor quirked up an eyebrow and moved himself so that his back was leaning against the passenger side door. He handed Jared the bottle and spoke in a tone void of emotion,

“No, I guess it doesn’t. Do you want to go to the creek? it’s too hot to sit in this piece of shit all afternoon.”

Jared faked offense and comforted his car, not sure why he was hamming it up when he was alone with Connor,

“Trisha is not a piece of shit!!! Shhhh shhhh, it’s okay baby.”

Jared kissed his steering wheel, internally cringing as he did so. Connor scoffed and got out of the car, heading towards the creek without checking to see if Jared was following. Jared looked at himself in the rear-view mirror, his eyes were puffy and his hair was a mess. He chuckled and spoke aloud to himself,

“Jared Kleinman you are one dumb piece of shit, you shouldn’t be doing this.”

He took a big swig from the bottle and got out of the car, following Connor. He walked along the well-worn gravel path until it turned to dirt and tree roots, taking turns he'd made a million times. Jared took in the pathetic scenery of their town's excuse for a “beach”. The off white sand was in stark contrast to the surrounding trees. It looked like a giant had made a poor decision on where to put their giant child's sandbox. His eyes found Connor, who was sat near the edge of the ugly brown creek, tracing patterns into the sand with his fingers. Jared had to fight hard to remain cynical about his surroundings, there was something beautiful about the juxtaposition of it all. There was something beautiful about the juxtaposition of Connor. He was pale and wore dark clothes, he was both beautiful and dying, both emotionless and funny, both proud and insecure. Jared often observed the enigma that Connor was with the awe of an enthralled audience. Connor spoke without turning to look at him, and honestly it was fucking weird how that guy could just sense the presence of others.

“Took you long enough.”

Jared groaned as he moved forward and sat down next to Connor, probably a little too close but the vodka would soon relieve any of the discomfort he felt about that. He passed the bottle to Connor and cursed himself for the feeling he had when their fingers brushed up against one another. Connor took a long swig and laid back against the sand. Jared joined him, thanking the universe for spring time when sand doesn’t burn you. Connor’s eyes were closed but his brow was furrowed, Jared wondered if he was ever at peace. Connor huffed,

“Not to sound lame, but I’m really fucking tired.”

“Awwww does Connie Wonnie want to take a napsie?

Jared was finding himself funnier than usual and roared with laughter as Connor punched him in the arm. Jared shoved Connor back, knowing exactly how he would react. Soon they were play-fighting and Jared was having the time of his life. The more he laughed the angrier Connor got, which only prompted more laughter from his end. After a few seconds of this, Connor pinned Jared down by the shoulders. He stopped laughing. Connor was breathing hard and his pale face was flushed, he looked, alive, for once. Jared felt a lump build up in his throat and fuck he really wanted to kiss Connor. Connor began to move his face closer and Jared was a weird sort of excited, as their lips were about to meet Connor moved quickly to the side and pressed his mouth up against Jared’s ear,

“WHO’S FUNNY NOW KLEINMAN???”

Connor flopped to the ground next to Jared, looking extremely smug. Jared sat up and looked at Connor incredulously, he had just been vulnerable and Connor had turned it into a joke? Damn. If Jared was honest he was pretty impressed. Before he had time to recover Connor began to dramatically mimic him (turning Jared's face very red),

“Ohhh Connor kiss me, uGhhhHH yeS coNNoR!!”

This exclamation from Connor came complete with chuckles, a fake faint, and batting of his eyelashes. Jared had forgotten how quickly Connor’s mood could change when he was tipsy. Angry one second, comedian the next. Though he was embarrassed Jared couldn’t help but smile, after all Connor Murphy was rarely this dramatic and outgoing. Jared deadpanned and spoke with an affection hidden by malice,

“Fuck you, Murphy.”

Connor moved in close to Jared’s face,

“Bet you’d like to.”

Jared was blushing again, Jesus why was Connor so good at getting him flustered?

“Pfft. I would be so unfortunate.”

Connor gave a knowing smile and backed away, breaking the sexual tension once again. Jesus Christ Jared wasn’t drunk enough for this. He swigged more of the Fanta vodka and checked his watch, it was only 5. Jared groaned, it was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the chapter! I just want to say thank you for all the hits, kudos, and comments!! It makes me unbelievably happy to know people like my writing, so thank you so much!!! also I fucking love Connor. He's half Japanese in this, its not mentioned but, its a thing!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw: underage drinking, sexual refrences, they make out but no sex stuff !

It had been a few hours, and once the sun had set the two boys retreated to the safety of Jared’s car. Connor had led the way back from the creek, and upon arriving, climbed straight into the backseat of the car. Jared took a shaky breath and made his way around the car, it made him a little uncomfortable how sure Connor was of himself. Jared felt excitement stirring in his stomach. It’d been so long since they’d done this, Jared hoped he hadn’t forgotten how. He opened the door and lowered himself inside. Connor was sat staring at him with a smug grin on his face,

“Nervous Kleinman?”

Jared felt his cheeks flush,

“No! Fuck you.”

Connor crossed his arms and kept steady eye contact,

“I won’t be the one getting fucked.”

Jared blushed more and sighed,

“Shut up oh my god, I forgot how annoying drunk Connor is.”

Jared moved closer and placed a short peck on Connor’s lips to keep him quiet. Connor screwed his eyebrows together,

“Uh, lame.”

Jared huffed and kissed him again, sliding his legs on either side of Connor so that he was practically in his lap. Connor wrapped his arms around Jared’s waist and giggled drunkenly,

“Now, _that’s_ , what I’m talking about.”

Jared's mind was soaked in alcohol and he was happy. Connor was warm and familiar and it didn't matter that he didn't care about him. He had all he needed in Connor. He didn't need Evan, he didn't want Evan. He wanted to forget, Jared wanted to forget everything that had ever happened to him. He pushed away his thoughts and focused on kissing Connor, lacing his fingers through his hair. Jared got an idea and fought to keep from laughing as he pulled on Connor’s hair lightly. Connor startled for a moment,

"Jared, what the fuck?"

Jared snickered and put his mouth just over Connor's ear, breathing heavily,

"KinKY!"

Connor snorted and pushed Jared away, 

"I despise you."

Jared grinned, the back and forth banter he and Connor had was always more fun when he was drunk. He scooted closer to Connor and kissed him again. Connor made a dramatic puking noise and shoved Jared away again,

"Kleinma-"

Jared cut him off with a determined kiss, and slid his hands underneath Connor's hoodie. Connor stopped pushing Jared off and melted into him, the lighthearted mood changing suddenly. Connor reached down and pulled off his hoodie before going back to kissing Jared, holding both sides of his face. Jared felt warm. He pulled Connor closer until he was laying on his back, with Connor balanced over him. Jared pulled away with a big grin on his face, and Connor spoke as he caught his breath,

"I forgot how nice this was."

Jared only nodded and returned to kissing Connor, he couldn't let himself stay unoccupied for too long. When Jared was unoccupied he started thinking, and when he got to thinking he always ruined things for himself. Booze made it easier to live in the moment and not in his head. 

Jared was jolted out of these musings when he felt a cold hand grab the hem of his shirt and begin to pull it up. Jesus this was really happening. Why was he doing this again? His mind had already begun spinning, it was too late to turn back. He felt the regret crawling up his throat, choking him. "Why would you hurt Evan like this? Evan needed you." Jared had let him run away even though he knew Evan was struggling. A few angry words from Evan and Jared had given up on his life entirely, is that really how little it took? He couldn’t stop the anxious thoughts all compounding on one another. “You don't love Connor so what the fuck are you doing here?” It was too much. He pushed against Connor's chest slightly. He pulled back,

"Something wrong?"

Jared sat up and tried to swallow down the lump of shame in his throat,

“I, I don’t think I can- I don’t think I can do this.”

Connor gave a small sigh and sat up, disentangling himself from Jared. He grabbed his hoodie which had been tossed into the front seat. He made slow work of turning the hoodie right side out and putting it on, before methodically putting his hair into a bun. His silence was nerve wracking for Jared. Once Connor seemed to have gathered himself, he spoke quietly and carefully,

"Is it Evan?"

Jared couldn't breathe past all the guilt. Why did Evan matter so much anyways? Jared knew why. He knew why and he hated it. Nobody was supposed to get close enough to hurt him, he wasn’t supposed to fall for anyone. Jared was in love with Evan. And it hurt so badly to love him, knowing Evan could never love him back. He didn’t love Connor, and yet here he was. Jared took a deep breath and fought to keep from puking. He looked up at Connor, and for once, spoke with no humor in his voice,

"I think I might be in love with him."

Connor nodded slowly and crossed his legs,

"Yeah. I mean, I sort of figured that was why you stopped talking to me."

Jared shut his eyes tight,

"This was a mistake. I'm sorry Connor. Jesus I'm so sorry."

Connor gave him a small smile and shook his head,

"It's okay, I get it. You’re fine-"

Jared kept his gaze fixed on Connor, he didn't seem to be done talking. Connor blinked rapidly and nervously tapped his fingers onto his thighs, he kept his mouth frozen in a smile and said nothing. Jared still felt the need to apologize,

"Connor, I- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to, for you to-"

He dropped off the end of his sentence as Connor began to chuckle, a sort of hopeless pained laugh that Jared knew all too well,

"Honestly? It's fine Kleinman. No big deal, it’s not like we’re dating or some shit, we just get drunk and fuck. That’s all this is, so don't worry about it, really."

Jared reached out to touch Connor's knee, hoping to convey in some way, how sorry he was,

"Con I-"

Connor pulled back abruptly and looked at Jared with the utmost venom in his eyes,

"Okay- _Don't_ fucking call me _that_. You don't get to call me that like this means something."

Jared could feel his hands shaking and he didn’t know why he felt so sorry. Connor said it was fine. So why didn’t it feel fine? 

"I’m so sorry- I know it’s fine but I’m sorry. I ruin everything- I ruin everything and I hurt people and I shouldn't have let you get close. I’m sorry.”

Connor let out a sigh and seemed to lose control of his temper, he spoke in a quiet voice dripping with malice,

"Can you please just shut the fuck up _for once_ and stop apologizing?”

Connor opened the door behind him and quickly climbed out of the car, slamming the door so hard it hurt Jared’s ears. He walked around to the front of the SUV and sat on the hood. He probably would’ve left if he could, but they were both too drunk to drive. Jared sat in the car, trying to work through everything, but the vodka had soaked into his brain and made it too slippery for any of his thoughts to stick. He curled up on the seat and decided to worry about it when he was sober. Jared drifted off to sleep with one thought on his mind, "I really am a horrible person, aren't I?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter stopped abruptly and sort of sucks but i'm lazy sorry pals. hmmm i wonder if con is really fine with it hmmmm i dunno.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mild detail of intrusive thoughts (harm and cleanliness)

Evan slammed the front door, pressing his back against it and sliding to the ground. His chest was heaving, and it felt a lot like dying. He couldn’t tell if it was the running or panic, or both. He sat there for a long time, taking nearly 20 minutes to calm his breath, then more staring blankly down at the patterns of woodgrain near his hand. He didn’t cry. When the world stopped pulsating Evan reached up and locked the door. He sunk back down slowly and laid with his back on the cold laminate floor. He didn’t bother with removing the awkward lump of his backpack. The chill from the floor helped to ground him and he wasn’t so upset any longer. He probably could’ve stood up and begun to do normal things, but it felt....wrong. Evan didn’t want to think about all that had just happened.

Jared. Running out of the door. Nobody loves me the way I need them to. Such a fucking drama queen. He pushed it away. He stood and climbed up the stairs slowly, placing two feet on each step with pauses in between. He went to his room and undressed carefully, placing clothes in the waste basket and grabbing fresh ones. He did this all with mechanical intention in some sort of attempt to add order to his world. He walked to the bathroom and stepped into the shower. He turned the dial halfway to hot and shoved his foot under the faucet, when the water was warm he turned on the shower head, not bothering to move away from the initial blast of cold water. He looked down at his body, skinny and pale and a whole lot of nothing special. He sighed internally.

A shower and a towel and pajamas. Evan played a song on repeat inside his head to keep away any and all thoughts. It occurred to him that under different circumstances his mind’s song choice might’ve embarrassed him. The words played again and again,

Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack  
All dressed in black, black, black.  
With silver buttons, buttons, buttons  
All down her back, back, back.  
She asked her mother, mother, mother  
For 50 cents, cents, cents.  
To see the elephants, elephants, elephants  
Jump over the fence, fence, fence.  
They jumped so high, high, high  
They reached the sky, sky, sky.  
And they didn't come back, back, back  
'Til the 4th of July, ly, ly.

Evan wanted to sing along but his voice didn’t work when he tried to make it come out. It was a single hollow syllable,

“Mah-“

He gave up on singing. He was trying so desperately hard to not think of Jared. His brown eyes. His curly hair. His laugh. His stomach. His cartoon character-esque wardrobe of button ups over t-shirts. His arms. His cold hands. Evan pushed it away. To a third party Evan might’ve seemed crazy, as he plugged his ears and squeezed his eyes shut every few minutes, presumably each time an unwanted thought surfaced. Inside his mind he chanted Miss Mary Mack and distracted himself with imaginings of elephants and numbers of buttons. He thought to himself, “This is coping,” And nearly laughed. He sat on the edge of his bed staring down at his hands. Evan wasn’t sure what to do with himself. Water would probably have been a good course of action, but he didn’t want to handle the situation _too_ well. He wanted to be breaking down.

He thought of what a healthy person would do and did the opposite. God what the fuck was he trying to prove? Evan laid down in his bed after carefully adjusting his blankets and sheets. He closed his eyes and it took a very long time for him to drift off to sleep.

The morning was not kind. Evan woke up with a heavy weight on top of him, in a metaphorical way. The house was silent but for the quiet wooshing of his air vent. Evan kept his eyes shut and tried to see if not moving would make the world go away. It didn’t. He was painfully alive. His soul felt like really dirty teeth. To be productive Evan did a body scan from his feet to his head as his therapist had taught him to do, it was grounding.

His feet were an average temperature and he could feel the blankets touching them. His legs were on top of one another and a pillow was between his thighs, he could feel his pajama pants pulled tight against one of his legs but he didn’t make an attempt to shift and fix it. His shirt had rolled up his torso and Evan felt self-conscious even though he was under a blanket, and alone. His stomach hurt. His hands were sweaty, all curled up in blankets and close to his neck. His right shoulder hurt. His neck felt fine, an intrusive thought broke through and reminded him of the anatomy of a neck and all the ways that it could be hurt. He gulped deeply which didn’t help and tried to move on with his body scan. His right ear was folded weird against his pillow and he could feel wetness under his cheek from drool. He could feel the bed and the different textures of his blankets and the draft of air coming from his vent. The intrusive thought came back again and his neck began to ache, it was frightening. Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack all dressed in black black black. He could feel each tooth inside his head, they were dirty, and it was upsetting him, maybe too much. Still he did not move. His mom had probably come home some time in the night. She couldn’t have known how horribly Evan was doing but he couldn’t help the sadness that bloomed in his chest. He wanted her to notice, to understand, to give him a hug and make him dinner and tell him it would all be alright. But his mom was busy with burdens of her own. So he laid there. Aching neck, aching shoulder, dirty teeth, and some sort of big bad emotion that he was pushing down and down. And the sound of Jared's laugh was sounding inside his mind nearly as often as Miss Mary Mack. He had managed to suppress the emotions related to the events of the past few days, for now. But Evan knew from experience that the things he hid from himself always came out eventually. The emotion he couldn't name hung just behind him, breathing too cold air against his neck, and he was scared. So scared of all the things inside himself that he tried not to feel and what they could make him do.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of underage drinking, short expression of suicial thoughts

Jared awoke to a feeling he was sure was death. his face felt hot and tight from dried tears and his head ached. he sat up begrudgingly and took in his surroundings. Same good ol' Trisha with her soft gray seats. Empty fanta bottle. Connor, or a blob he guessed was Connor, in the front seat with his hands raised in the air.

"Whatthe fuck're you doing?"

Jared smashed his glasses onto his face unceremoniously. Connor rolled his eyes and said nothing. It registered with Jared that Connor was braiding his hair, and that he looked nice. Those thoughts triggered many others, then the brief period of non-lucidity that early morning offered passed. He sat up.

"Braiding, got it."

Jared was suddenly nervous and unsure about how to handle the situation.

"I- uh- what do you wanna- uh"

Connor finished his braid and tied it off. He spoke in a tone that was mostly calm but probably rehearsed,

"Just take me home."

Under normal circumstances Jared probably would've asked, where's my please, Mr. Bossy britches? But these weren't normal circumstances. He popped open the back door and walked around to the drivers side. He found the metal lump of his keys in his pocket and got inside. He started the car and pulled out before starting the journey back to Connor's home. Neither of them spoke. The air was full of strain and Connor stared straight ahead the entire time. As soon as Jared came to a stop outside of his not-mansion Connor opened the door and slammed it back. Jared's heart sunk. Connor couldn't stand him.  
He pulled away because that was the next logical step. He drove himself home and the absence of Connor nagged at his consciousness. It felt like the slam of the door was still vibrating in his chest. The morning light burned his eyes the whole way home. He sat in his driveway and spoke to no one in particular,

"Well, fuck."

The car engine clicked as it cooled and Jared pretended it was a response,  
"I know Trisha baby, I'm absolutely fucked."

He sighed and undid his seatbelt and sank down, closing his eyes. His head was still killing him. He didn't quite have the energy to get up yet.  
"Trisha, I'm in love with Evan. Yeah, yeah I know you're not surprised. I guess I've always been but I never really said it out loud before, ya know?"

Jared paused like the car would respond before continuing.  
"Kind of fucking sad that I'm talking to my car about this. No offense Trisha baby."

He snorted at how ridiculous he was being,  
"God I need a therapist."

Jared pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them so his whole body was in the seat before continuing to speak,  
"God can you believe I stopped making out with a hot guy over Evan fucking Hansen? I must really have it bad Trish. And Connor, you were there for that, I know he has anger issues or whatever the fuck but when he was all quiet and smiling that seemed like more, right? He was being... weird. I think he- no."

Jared groaned,  
"God I must have apologized like 5000 times, why does my mouth just keep going? No wonder he got annoyed. I don't know why I feel so bad about that Trish. It shouldn't be a big deal right? Connor said it himself. We weren't dating we just f- uh had sex. God.. you were there for all of those times huh?"

Jared shook his head to get rid of the idea of a voyeur car.  
"Trish, I'm scared that Connor has an actual crush on me. What if I just like fucking broke his heart or some shit? I mean I don't know why in God's name he would have a crush on me but, you know me Trish, I have a good sense about people."

Jared held his head in his hands and described his feelings in a beautiful and articulate manner,  
"Fuck. Shit. Fuck shit fuck ass bitch fuck fuck fuck bitch shit fuck cunt fuck ass pussy fuck bitch fuck fuck fuck fuck."

Trisha said nothing.  
"Sorry about that. I feel so bad about the Connor thing. What if he really liked me? God then I lead him on so much. Should I try to say something to him? Fuck. I don't think I should. He probably fucking hates me god I'm such an ass. I would ask why you put up with me but you're my car so I guess you don't have a choice. Sorry about that."

Jared gave the seat a light pat and kept his eyes closed.  
"What am I gonna do about Ev? God how did I fuck up so much in one day. He just ran out of my fucking house what was up with that? Yeah, yeah I know, I was blackout drunk and probably did some fucking awful shit. I wonder what name I called him this time. God I hate myself so much, Trisha. I finally acknowledge that I love Evan but I can't do a fucking thing about it. He hates me I know he does. I wish I could remember what the fuck I did to him Jesus Christ. Why couldn't I have gotten black out last night? God I don't want to remember last night."

Jared could feel himself getting anxious, he was talking too quickly and feeling too deeply, but he didn't have the sense to stop. So he kept spewing out his thoughts as they came into his mind,  
"I'm so sorry, Trish. Whatever I did to him I'm so fucking sorry. He's never yelled at me, ever. He ran out of my house and he ran away from me and he yelled at me and I cried on the fucking side walk and he's never going to love me back. Fuck he's never going to love me back Trisha. He's never going to love me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck."

Jared pulled his own hair and his anxiety was making him nauseous,  
"God here I am talking about Evan not loving me, he wouldn't love any guy, Trish! He's straight! Jesus fucking Christ I'm in unrequited gay love like some fucking teen novel. Ugh why me? Really I'd love to know, I'm a piece of shit but, fuck, nobody should have to feel like this."

After a long pause Jared sat up and pressed his forehead against the steering wheel. He spoke in a quiet whisper, his bitterness and ironically jovial tone disappeared entirely,  
"I don't know how to accept that Evan is never going to love me back. I don't know how. I don't think I can stand myself for much longer, Trisha. I don't know how to be alive anymore. I wish I was happy, Trish. I wish Evan loved me. I wish-"

Jared stopped suddenly, sighing, and pulling the keys out of the ignition. He opened his eyes and got out of the car. The world swam and he nearly lost his balance. God his head was aching. He locked his car and stumbled to his room. Jared layed down in his bed without taking off his clothes or shoes. He closed his eyes and sniffed his sheets deeply, hoping that they would smell like Evan.

But they only smelled like detergent and Evan was never going to love him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a tumblr right now but I plan on updating this fic more often so you can look forward to that! Hope you liked this chapter!
> 
> I think I'm gonna start a multi chapter Zolana fic soon because I have a good idea for that so stay tuned!  
> Have a radical night my dudes, I've just realized I use way too many fucking exclamation points sjckshjkdn
> 
> Also I didn't edit this so I apologize for typos I'm a lazy piece of shit


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what up dudes, long time no see! sorry i've been mia as fuck, im back babyyy and i'm planning on finishing this story up and updating more to do that. it's been so long i had to go back and reread before writing this chapter lmao. thanks so much for all the hits and kudos and comments they mean so much! anyways i'll let you get to reading, things are gonna get happy soon ;) also I wrote this at like 3am and didn't edit so there might be stumbly shit, forgive me
> 
> cw: underage drinking, high levels of gay

A month passed. Or so Jared's calendar told him. The x's on his calendar were inching closer and closer the the box which was scribbled over in red sharpie, "E'S BDAY". It irked Jared. The print was garish and reminded him of something he did not want to remember. Jared got out of bed and sighed, drawing the next black X. He and Evan hadn't spoken after what happened. Not that they didn't want to, they just didn't know how. Evan had convinced himself to stay away from Jared, sure that his idea of love was entirely fucked up. Jared was too anxious to approach Evan and too heartbroken to consider doing anything. The loss weighed heavily on both of them. And on that Thursday Jared scrawled out a letter he wasn't sure he would deliver.

Dear Evan,

Hi. I know it's been a while. I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me, or if I could handle seeing you. The night of the party I got blackout which I guess you know, if I said something shitty that night I want you to know I'm so sorry. I don't know why you ran away from me that day, but I'm so sorry for whatever I did. I'm not a complete idiot, I know that I say a lot of fucking shit and I know I can be mean. Way too fucking mean. And I don't want to make excuses for that, but I want you to know that I am trying to be better. I'm trying to be the Jared that you deserve as a friend. I hope that's enough. If it's not, I understand, but I miss you bad Ev. I miss you so much and I really want to see you again and tell you I'm sorry for real. I don't want us to miss birthday traditions this year over me being a shit head.

I know this is getting long, I wish that was all. I'm having trouble figuring out how I can stand to see you again because I realized something sort of recently. Full disclosure, I was drunk and I started making out with this guy and it felt wrong. It felt wrong because you're the only person I want to kiss. God that sounds so fucking cheesy, I just mean that I like you like that, not anyone else. So I shut that shit down and when I got home I had an anxiety attack cause holy shit! I'm in love with my best friend! I just really wanted to tell you that. I love you. And I know I'm an annoying narcissist who takes jokes too far and weighs too much and drinks too much fanta, but I love you, and I think that is something good about me.

Now you know which is good probably. There's a part of me of course that hopes you'll love me too, in a gay not just friends way. At the same time I know you might not, and that's okay. I just needed you to know I think, for me. No matter how you reply to that part I want you to know the first part still stands. I'm so fucking sorry and I am going to be better for you, if you'll have me. Whatever that having means. Hopefully I'll be seeing you on your birthday so we can do all our dumb shit, if not, Happy Birthday Ev, I love you.

Jared

Jared read it over three times and made a few revisions. He thought it was good maybe, but he didn't feel confident enough to give it to Evan. He needed it to be perfect. He stood up off the floor quickly and his head swam with vertigo. Jared stumbled to his bookshelf and plopped himself down in front of it to dig out the book he needed. Evan had given it to him to borrow but he never read it all the way through, an anthology of Walt Whitman poems. Jared smiled at what a fucking nerd Evan was, he read poetry for fun and Jesus he loved it. Jared flipped through the first few pages to find what he was looking for then scooted back over to where his pen and paper sat. Jared flipped over a new page on the yellow notepad and began transcribing. When the poem was done he tore out the pages and sealed them in an envelope, then wrote "Evan" on the outside, red sharpie, all caps. Jared went downstairs to find the liquid courage he needed. He poured a fair amount of the Vodka his mother kept under the sink into a mug and filled the bottle back up with water. He downed it in a few gulps as he went back upstairs. Jared grabbed the letter and slid on his sneakers, then he sat on the edge of the bed and waited. He killed time of course, playing dumb iPhone games and retying his shoes. He needed time to convince himself to go, even with the tipsy-ness on his side. Eventually he sprung up from his bed and spoke loudly, sending his intentions out into the world like meditations had always taught him,

"Fuck it!"

Jared left his room and walked out of his house, he ran his hand along the side of his car as he went,

"Wish me luck, Trisha baby."

And like a triumphant (and drunk) victor he walked to Evan's house, imagining epic shots and a sound track as he went. The world around him swelled up and propelled him forward, the insects sang a chorus of, "Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it!"

Jared arrived on the Hansen's doorstep out of breath. He set the letter down on the front door mat, making sure to center it perfectly. He knew he could just go inside if he fished the key out of the plant and unstuck it from Jabba the Hutt's belly. He knew he could. But he didn't. He pulled back a leaf to check on Jabba, for old times sake, then he walked home and the insects sang a chorus of "You did it! You did it! You did it!" and Jared was happy.

-

A Glimpse  
by Walt Whitman 

A glimpse through an interstice caught,  
Of a crowd of workmen and drivers in a bar-room around the stove late of a winter night, and I unremark’d seated in a corner,  
Of a youth who loves me and whom I love, silently approaching and seating himself near, that he may hold me by the hand,  
A long while amid the noises of coming and going, of drinking and oath and smutty jest,  
There we two, content, happy in being together, speaking little, perhaps not a word. 

That's how you make me feel. Content. Like I wouldn't even have to talk and get all mouthy to feel happy, like I could sit out on all the drinking and shit talking. You make silence comfortable. I know you probably understand this poem better than me but the energy it gives off is what I feel. Me and you in our own little world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if it wasn't clear the poem at the end it what Jared sent to Evan. also Jared has really bad chicken scratch handwriting thank u for coming to my ted talk.
> 
> love you thanks for readin my dumb story :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor makes an appearance and Evan reads the letter, a bit of a longer one. I wrote this then realized I gave Evan way more of a stutter in the earlier chapters, but those times he only spoke when he was real anxious. I made his stutter a little worse here for continuity but my use of stuttering has definitely changed the last few months haha, hopefully the change isn't too distracting.
> 
> cw: anxiety attacks, descriptions of disregulated breathing, sex ref

Evan woke up and got dressed for school like he normally would, jeans, polo, black hoodie, sneakers. He walked out into the living room and was greeted by the smell of coffee. Heidi Hansen was sat on the couch with a large mug typing something up with one hand, presumably her homework. 

She called to Evan without taking her eyes of the screen, “Good morning honey!”

Evan replied with much less pep in his voice, “Morning.” 

Heidi placed a period on her sentence and turned around to face Evan, a warm smile on her face, “Did you sleep well?”

“I slept okay.”

“Oh! I nearly forgot!” Heidi began to root around in the stack of papers in front of her and produced an envelope with Evan’s name written on the front, “Found it on the doorstep this morning, not sure where its from though, seemed a little suspicious.”

Evan grabbed the envelope from his mother and recognized the handwriting as Jared’s immediately, he looked up at Heidi, “Its- its from Jared, no need to worry.”

Heidi’s eyes brightened momentarily at the chance to discuss a topic Evan had been avoiding so much lately, “Oh! Jared! How is he? You guys haven’t been hanging out much recently...”

Evan wanted to sigh but he held it together, “Yeah guess we haven't," Evan scratched the back of his neck, "Uh- Hey mom? I- uh- I really need to get to school. I should go?”

Heidi nodded, a bit disappointed at the lack of information that answer provided, “Of course, have a good day sweetheart.”

Evan nodded and walked out of the living room and towards the back door quickly, he shoved the letter from Jared into the big pocket of his backpack, he didn’t have the energy to deal with it yet. Evan unracked his bicycle and walked it out of the garage, then he started pedaling before he could think. He didn’t want to consider what was inside the letter or what Jared had written, he just couldn’t, it was too much. He didn’t think he could handle any of the possibilities: Jared ending their friendship, Jared knowing about Evan’s crush on him and turning him down, Jared apologizing, Jared wanting to be friends again, Jared wanting to see Evan. They were all so bad, each possibility with even smaller subsets of things that could go wrong and Evan would have to worry about all of them all at once. So he didn’t worry, or told himself he wasn’t worrying, and he pedaled faster and faster and got lost in the rhythm.

When he arrived at school he hopped off his bike and locked it to the rack. Evan checked his watch and it was only 7:40, 20 minutes before he would have to be in class. He sighed as he walked inside, as he navigated through the crowd of students in the hall outside of the cafeteria he felt his chest tighten with panic. It was so loud and so cramped. But he got through it like he always did and walked quickly towards the computer lab. It was quiet there. He took a seat in the back corner and took a few calming breaths before he pulled out a book and began to read. Evan was only there for 2 minutes, maybe 3, when the door slammed open and hit the rubber stopper on the wall harshly. The sound was so sudden that Evan jumped and immediately looked up to find the source. When he did, he locked eyes with Connor Murphy, another senior he had a few classes with that he only knew 3 things about: gay, angry, loner. Evan looked away and tried to absorb himself in his book, he wasn’t afraid of Connor he just wasn’t in the mood to talk. Connor noticed him jump, of course, and spoke a hurried, “Sorry.” before taking a seat on the opposite side of the computer lab facing away from Evan. 

Evan looked down at his book and tried to read but the words were swimming all around and all he could think about was Connor.  
Can Connor hear me breathing? Did Connor want to be alone and I fucked it up? Does Connor think I'm a nerd? A loser? Would Connor get mad at me for breathing too loudly? Can Connor hear how fast I'm breathing? What is Connor doing? Is he texting someone something mean about me? Can I breathe right now? I don't think so. How fast am I breathing? Am I panicking?  
As his thoughts spiraled Evan found it more difficult to keep quiet, he was taking deep breaths to keep from hyperventilating so they were unintentionally labored and noisy. Before Evan had started going to therapy he probably would’ve just held his breath for as long as possible, so he wouldn’t make noise and get noticed by anyone, but his therapist had taught him that no one gave a shit about how loud he was breathing. Evan reminded himself Connor didn't care and tried to read his book, and it almost worked, almost.

Connor looked over at Evan, his eyes trained on a book but not moving along the lines, breathing loudly and heavily, and he had to say something, 

“Dude... are you okay?”

 

Evan’s eyes shot up from his book and his worst fears were realized, Connor had been listening. He spoke quickly, out of breath like he’d run a mile,

“Yeah, to-totally fine. Great. Good. The- the best”

Evan continued to pant out deep breaths and before Connor could speak again, the bell rang. Evan stood up, grabbed his things, and rushed out of the room like his life depended on it. Connor sighed and stood up as well, slowly donning his messenger bag and walking out. He was the tired sort of angry, where everything just fuckin irks you. Evan had disrupted his morning, among…. other things. Connor pushed away the thought of Him because he wasn’t in the mood to get pissed. Anger was exhausting. So, two kids left a computer lab, one branching off left, the other right, both thinking about Jared Kleinman.

-

As soon as Evan got home he grabbed the letter out of his bag, that morning in English Jared had turned around to look at him, his eyes full of hope, he said,

“Did you read it?”

Evan shook his head 3 times to signal no and Jared slumped down in his seat before turning around. Evan felt so guilty for that slump, and he wanted to say sorry, but he kept his mouth shut. The rest of the afternoon was just spent waiting to get home so he could read the letter, and now he finally was. He rubbed his hands over the red letters on the front of the envelope and had a fond thought about Jared’s horrific handwriting. He tore the letter open unceremoniously and pulled out two sheets of yellow notepad paper. He began to read-

_Dear Evan,_

_Hi. I know it's been a while. I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me, or if I could handle seeing you. The night of the party I got blackout which I guess you know, if I said something shitty that night I want you to know I'm so sorry._

Evan blinked twice, Jared hadn’t said anything shitty to him that night, but he had pulled him into bed and wrapped Evan's arms around himself. That was the night Evan had hope Jared loved him back. The night that Jared forgot. The night Evan was too embarrassed to bring up or ask about. Back then he was sure that Jared loved him too, I mean fuck he practically said it! He even said he wanted to have sex with him! But now Evan wasn’t so sure. He was convinced it was all a drunken mistake or some sort of sick joke. It was nice to know that Jared realized he messed something up that night but it was unbelievably frustrating that he couldn’t remember what. Evan sighed and kept reading.

_I don't know why you ran away from me that day, but I'm so sorry for whatever I did._

Evan grimaced, 

“Everything. You did everything! You made me fall in love with you and you-you’re bad- not bad but- you say mean things, but then- then you pick me up in the rain and take care of me and make me feel like I matter! You’re so fucking con-confusing that you’ve messed up what love is! Love can’t be the extremes of caring for and making fun of me, Jared! You did everything! I love you so much... but I know I shouldn’t and I can’t take it, I still can’t. I don’t even know why I’m reading your stupid letter.”

Evan set it down and ground the heels of his hands into his eyes, he knew why he was reading it, because Jared had him wrapped so completely around his finger all it took was one disappointed look to get him to do this.

_I'm not a complete idiot, I know that I say a lot of fucking shit and I know I can be mean. Way too fucking mean. And I don't want to make excuses for that, but I want you to know that I am trying to be better. I'm trying to be the Jared that you deserve as a friend. I hope that's enough._

The- the Jared he deserved? Evans heart swelled the smallest amount, Jared knew. Knew how much his snide comments hurt Evan. He kept reading, excited.

_If it's not, I understand, but I miss you bad Ev. I miss you so much and I really want to see you again and tell you I'm sorry for real. I don't want us to miss birthday tradition this year over me being a shit head._

“I miss you too.” Evan clapped his hand over his mouth, embarrassed that he had replied out loud. He really did miss Jared, hugging him and seeing him laugh and pressing their legs together when they sat next to each other and getting ice cream at 3am and watching anime. Evan wasn’t exactly happy, but he was less angry, Jared was sorry! Jared was being vulnerable?? What the fuck! Evan didn’t know if Jared trying harder would be enough but at that moment he really wanted it to be. And he had been worrying about his birthday too, what would happen without Jared, how unbearably sad it would make him to spend it alone with his mom. How she would pity him and offer to do the traditions he and Jared had created. Evan didn’t want to miss this year over whatever was going on either. He had so little to hold onto that he really needed his birthday to be good.

_I know this is getting long, I wish that was all. I'm having trouble figuring out how I can stand to see you again because I realized something sort of recently. Full disclosure, I was drunk and I started making out with this guy-_

Evan’s heart dropped into his stomach.

_-and it felt wrong. It felt wrong because you're the only person I want to kiss. God that sounds so fucking cheesy, I just mean that I like you like that, not anyone else. So I shut that shit down and when I got home I had an anxiety attack cause holy shit! I'm in love with my best friend! I just really wanted to tell you that. I love you. And I know I'm an annoying narcissist who takes jokes too far and weighs too much and drinks too much fanta, but I love you, and I think that is something good about me._

Evan couldn’t breathe, he read it again, “Holy shit.”

_Now you know which is good, probably. There's a part of me of course that hopes you'll love me too, in a gay not just friends way._

“I DO.”

_At the same time I know you might not, and that's okay. I just needed you to know I think, for me. No matter how you reply to that part I want you to know the first part still stands. I'm so fucking sorry and I am going to be better for you, if you'll have me. Whatever that having means._

Evan blinked back tears, Jared was going to be … better? No matter what? Even if Evan didn’t love him back? Evan was overwhelmed with how... good Jared was being.

_Hopefully I'll be seeing you on your birthday so we can do all our dumb shit, if not, Happy Birthday Ev, I love you._

_Jared_

To put it lightly, Evan started to freak the fuck out, he sprung up from the couch and began to pace as he read the letter over again,

“Holy shit. Holy shit? Holy shit! Holy mo-motherfucking shit. I don’t- holy shit.”

Evan pumped his fist in the air with a triumphant shout,

“HE LOVES ME BACK!”

“...But there’s so much to consider- what do I even do with this? Is it wrong of me to forgive him for everything? I mean he said it- he said it, he’s going to be better. He- he said it!-” 

Evan flopped back down on the couch,

“Can you imagine? Nice Jared all the time? Holy shit.”

Evan sat up and pressed his hands to his cheeks and squished them together like fish lips. He was acting completely ridiculous but he had so much happy energy in his body he couldn't contain it. Fish lips and all, he spoke in a weird cadence,

“Jared loves me back!”

Evan stood up again and started to jump around, he shouted with a big grin on his face and eyes that had only recently dried, 

“He loves me! He loves me and he’s going to be better! Fuck! He loves me, ME!”

Evan shoved the letter into his pocket and was headed to the garage when he saw the second sheet of notepad paper, in all his ruckus it had fallen, and partially hidden itself under the couch. He snatched it up and poured over it gleefully,

_A Glimpse  
by Walt Whitman_

Jared actually read the book Evan had lent him? His heart soared and he loved Jared even more. He knew this one. He knew it and he loved it.

_A glimpse through an interstice caught,_  
Of a crowd of workmen and drivers in a bar-room around the stove late of a winter night, and I unremark’d seated in a corner,  
Of a youth who loves me and whom I love, silently approaching and seating himself near, that he may hold me by the hand,  
A long while amid the noises of coming and going, of drinking and oath and smutty jest,  
There we two, content, happy in being together, speaking little, perhaps not a word. 

Evan felt choked up again, the poem was so much better in familiar handwriting that was meant for him.

_That's how you make me feel. Content. Like I wouldn't even have to talk and get all mouthy to feel happy, like I could sit out on all the drinking and shit talking. You make silence comfortable. I know you probably understand this poem better than me but the energy it gives off is what I feel. Me and you in our own little world._

“That’s how you make me feel too-” 

Evan was awestruck, no longer giddy, voice soft and calm. He folded up the letter and shoved it into the pocket of his hoodie and rushed towards the garage. Towards his bike. Towards Jared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it! next chapter the boys will see eachother for the first time with this new knowledge!


	12. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cw: n/a

Jared reluctantly peeled himself off of the couch at the sound of forceful knocking. Who the fuck was being so gung ho at 10pm? He pulled the door open with a sigh,

“...”

“Evan?”

Evan invited himself in, quickly stepping forward and pressing his lips against Jared’s. It was the sort of kiss you see in cartoons. All leaning and no touching. It lasted less than 2 seconds. It wasn’t beautiful or grand, real life rarely is. Jared startled and pulled back, but Evan spoke before he got the chance to,

“I got your letter.”

Jared was reeling, but he didn’t have time to think about it,

“And you?” He touched his lips and looked at Evan, “You…”

Evan grinned, “I love you too. And- and it’s okay. I mean it's not okay but- I love you and I’m excited to m-meet this new Jared you told me about.” 

Jared bowled into Evan with a big hug, just a little bit teary, “Holy shit I’ve missed you. I love you so much. I- can’t believe. Holy shit.”

Jared pulled back and kissed Evan, more forcefully, the sort of desperate kiss a person like Jared would initiate. It was a little awkward. He didn’t worry about it though, he was too happy. Jared was excited for the days their lips would fit together effortlessly. Excited to get to know his best friend all over again, this time in a much different light. 

“I’m gonna be better I promise.”

Evan nodded, “I trust you.”

Something about those words made Jared even happier than and ‘I love you’ would have. People rarely trusted him. He was impulsive and loud and often disorganized. No one trusted him to remember appointments or to do school projects, let alone with their.. ..hearts? God that’s fucking cheesy. Evan pulled away but kept the fingers of one hand intertwined with Jared’s. 

Jared couldn't believe this was happening, that he'd kissed this beautiful idiot he'd been in love with for years. It felt almost too lucky. How many people get this? Meeting the one person for you so young. 17. To a kid it seemed like a lifetime, but he knew in 30 years seventeen would seem impossibly young. And he knew that he would get through it. Through all of the bruises and heartaches of childhood. Through all the drunken nights and disappointed glares. And he would do it with Evan, this boy he loved. That he'd always loved. Seventeen or Sevenhundred it didn't matter. He could feel it in his chest, a drum beating out a rhythm of I love you I love you I love you. He tightened his grip on Evan's hand.

"S-so, what happens now?”

Jared wasn’t sure. He didn’t know exactly what this meant for them. What he did know is that they would do it together. He hoped that would be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's all folks! i know that was incredibly short, i'm sorry. but i thought this story deserved an end, so i gave it one! thanks for reading my dumb little not-book. oar revore my friends, and in case you haven't heard it today, i love you!


End file.
